i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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