Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i drank out of a bidet.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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