Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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