hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
