Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
