I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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