insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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