that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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