i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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