Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
