I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
