he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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