I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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