I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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