In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
