he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
