matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
