awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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