Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Randomize
