You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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