I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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