It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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