I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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