I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
