I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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