literally had 100 drinks last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
