sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
