so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
