I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
