the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
