and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
