her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
