Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
