There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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