That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
