1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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