I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
