Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
