did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
