You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
did i just pee glitter
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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