Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
