I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
