Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
