I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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