You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
