I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
