Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
