I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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