I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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