I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
