You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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